My Boys, The Promise of a New Season [1.14]

PJ:
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It is totally my fault and I'm sorry.

Brendan:
But are you sorry?

Mike:
We're celebrating, Bobby got his old job back!

Bobby:
Yup, pay cut and everything.

Andy:
Yeah, and I'm helping him celebrate while traffic clears.

PJ:
It's nine o'clock, I think traffic's clear.

Andy:
It worked! Let's celebrate!

[PJ announces she will be a guest on a TV show]

Mike:
This is just the beginning. Today, The Turk Vardell Show. Tomorrow, SportsCenter.

Kenny:
For two years. Then, The PJ Franklin Show. [Kenny and Mike scat an improvised theme song ending with PJ]

Brendan:
Oh man, you're gonna be huge. National. I mean, you're gonna become America's sweetheart.

Bobby:
Then you'll buy an enormous mansion, marry a rock star, develop a drug problem, become a recluse, disappear for a while... you know, lots of rumours that you're dead.

Mike:
Then you're not! You reemerge with a brief stint on a cheesy reality show because you gotta lose the recluse weight.

Kenny:
Then, you get your comeback. The New PJ Franklin Show. Same theme song! [Kenny and Mike do PJ theme song again]

Bobby:
And then, it's time to write your crappy children's book, Even Unicorns Say I'm Sorry. [Kenny and Mike scat some more.]

[Stephanie announces that Brendan has been named one of Chicago's sexiest bachelors and there will be a party to celebrate.]

Mike:
Sweet! Oh we are totally going. Oh, there will be a ton of women there hoping to glom on to one of the sexy bachelors.

Kenny:
But we're not one of 'em.

Mike:
Nope, but we know one. So we hover around Brando all night and when the moment's right, bang!

Kenny:
Bang!

Mike:
We swoop in to snag his drunken castoffs.

Andy:
[falsetto] Daddy, how did you meet Mommy? [deep voice] Well dear, Mommy was a drunken castoff.

Bobby:
Yeah, see, she wanted to go home with Uncle Brando that night, but Daddy was in the right place at the right time.

PJ:
Daddy, do you think I can be a drunken castoff someday?

Andy:
Dare to dream, sweetie. Goodnight.

Trouty:
Hey, Sportin' Life, what number sexy are you?

Bobby:
Uh, I'm not on the list, Trouty.

Trouty:
What? Interrobang? What happened? Do you photograph puffy? Were you having a bad hair day? Although, you do kind of actively pursue that. I'm phmished. Ampersand flummoxed.

Bobby:
Actually, Brendan is on the list, so.

Trouty:
What number sexy are you?

Brendan:
Thirty-seven.

Trouty:
[winces] Slam! No man, that's cool. I mean, the important thing is that you're all up in there swinging.

PJ:
Dude, I cannot date him, okay, he is a Cub, alright! That is breaking like a ton of unwritten journalism rules.

Mike:
Unwritten rules were meant to be... written.

Kenny:
Then broken.

Mike:
Written then broken. Thanks Kenny, I got a little lost there.

Stephanie:
We weren't in the same boat! I played with your boat in my boat's bathtub!

Stephanie:
I guess I thought debt counselling would be more like Driver's Ed. You know? Where you ignore the film strips that they show and sleep through a couple of lectures and be on your way.

PJ:
That just cleared up so much about your driving.

Bobby:
Dude, ideas are good. Light bulbs? Liberty? Beer? These things all started as ideas.

Thorn:
And coming here having to tell you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I've survived helicopter crashes, being shot, an international flight seated next to Ann Coulter.

PJ:
It was so weird, all she wanted to do today was "spa" and "club".

Andy:
I like your verbs that are things. I think I'm gonna sandwich after I sofa here for a bit.

[Kenny reading his letter at Brendan's douchebag intervention]

Kenny:
Dear Brendan, Ever since you got named in that sexy Chicago thing you've been kind of douchey. When you tried to get me to buy the new Fergie album it made me feel so lonely. I want you to get better. PS. I don't understand your girl jeans.

[Mike reads his letter]

Mike:
"Brendan. You screened my call, douchebag. You're a really big douche. If you were a superhero you'd be Captain Douchebag. Your superpowers would be screening calls and the ability to wreck any hang. Douche." And then I drew a picture of you as Captain Douchebag.

PJ:
Who is he fighting?

Mike:
That's a giant lizard.

Andy:
[As a tour guide on a double-decker bus] Ladies and gentlemen, you've been such a wonderful crowd. I'd like to do a little tune for you now. It's one of my personal favorites. And I'd like to dedicate it to a man who thinks we hasn't seen anything good today. Brendan Dorff, this one's for you.

Brendan:
Wait, wait! I saw lots of good things today: Mike got into art, Kenny broke out of his slump, three guys want to take P.J. to Italy...

Andy:
Shut up, I'm singing anyway. [Singing] Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen...